It’s funny how we all have these first and second and third (^n) loves. This is a post to glorify them. These beaus, these perfect men. Perfect men we’ll never know or really have. Because well, they don’t exist.
I’ve been discussing this with some friends, and it’s hilarious that the minute I ask “who were your imaginary boyfriends?” nobody was confused. It was generally followed by a half hour of OMG I looooooooved him when I was 12!! etc, etc. I don’t mean actors or musicians or whomever. Because, shoot. This is about the movie you saw when you were 13 and you knew you were going to love that boy forever. (debbiedowner) This is also the reason most of us will never truly be satisfied because what we’ve been tailored to want just isn’t in this world. (/debbiedowner) The list just kept growing with every conversation I had. I’m going keep it to a few key characters that were mentioned by more than a few people, but the rest will get an honorable mention below. Because g’damn. I would not take the dreaminess away from you.
Who’s excited for this list?!
I didn’t have a plan for the organization of this list, but I think I’m going to go with chronologically. That being said, let’s begin.
Ask any girl who got to see Casper when she was anywhere from 10 – 13. When Devon Sawa walked down those stairs to dance with Christina Ricci, aye dios. We were all so fucking jealz. Of course, then we saw Now & Then and were like okay, they need to be Together 4-Ever.
Not gonna lie, I didn’t even make it through this scene. Because we all know that a) Jo is a complete douchy moron for saying no to Teddy and b) it was absolutely mortifyingly unfair that bratty little sister Amy ends up with the Marchs’ boy-next-door. We all loved him in the book, and it didn’t hurt that Christian Bale brought him to life in the movie. Ugh, Amy. She gets my knickers in a twist, that’s for effing sure.
Other childhood book / movie favorites: Dicken (The Secret Garden), Huck Finn (Mark Twain’s character, Disney’s Tom & Huck and Huckleberry Finn, played by Brad Renfro and Elijah Wood, respectively).
Saved by the Bell
So, in looking for this video, I ended up watching at least a half an hour’s worth of Saved by the Bell clips. Including Barbara Ann. Yeah, it’s still funny. But anyway, Zack Morris. How could we not love the guy who tried to sell Bayside High to the Japanese. Not to mention, he’s in a band. Friends Forever, right? So in trying to find a fun little quote about Zack and his penchant for mischief and scheming, I ended up reading his entire wikipedia page. Dude, this kid is money. I’d totes marry him.
Other teen sitcom loves: Eric Matthews & Sean Hunter from Boy Meets World, Uncle Jesse, and a host of TGIF favz
Now, let’s take a break and get animated. We can’t lie about it. Disney Movies, Anime, Comics. There are a shitton of places to find the impossible. Here we go,
Voiced by John Cusack, Dimitri was 1) named Dimitri (hai, good name) and 2) a swift talking con man. He also cleaned up quite nicely, in the most blatant copy of Jack Dawson ever**. He had that lovely floppy hair we all loved in 1998.
**There’s actually a video that exhibits this very idea of Anastasia being ridiculously similar to Titanic. Unfortunately, you have to sit through 2 minutes of the similarities between Cinderella and that Hilary Duff movie that had Cinderella in the title. … I would just fast forward.
He is the most noble street you will ever meet. His best friend is a monkey. He steals from the rich. And he has a giant blue genie. But hey, he doesn’t like to wear shirts – I mean, Agraba is broiling, son. I get it. He’d age better than SNL would have us believe.
Other Disney princes that should be mentioned: Eric (even though he’s not very smart), Charming (can’t hate on the original lover and fighter, can we ladies?)
Fangirls and fanboys alike geeked out over Remy LeBeau. When his name came up on Striker’s database of mutants in X2, we all freaked (for no reason it turned out, but still, we freaked). For some it was his completely BAMFness. For others, it was his saucy cajun accented dirty Anglais, kick ass kickassity, and his complete disregard of Wolverine’s authority. Which was awesome.
Oh, and the fact that he was in love with Rogue and it was totes adorbs. Didn’t hurt that he had that hair and that chin. He was dannnngerous, gurrl.
Honorable mentions: Dream, the emo king ❤
God this post is long. But, hey. Whatevz.
Let’s get back to the 3D, shall we?
Ah, the dramas. The king of imaginary boyfriends Drama-style is of course:
90210 (the original)
Okay, first of all, this video is awesome. If your friend isn’t home and you left something in their house you do not break their window to get inside. Why-the-face, Brandon. Jeez.
Secondly, Dylan McKay is the original heart breaker. The bad boy, with that coifed hair. So what if Luke Perry looked 25 when he was supposed to be in high school. (James Van Der Beek looked 32, so it could have always been worse). And yes, he strung Brenda and Kelly along for years, being the phillandering asshole that he could be. But he was sensitive underneath. A real sensi.
Other first loves: Ephram (Everwood), Cute Dean / Jess (Gilmore Girls, I’m not linking to Jess because I hate him), Ben Covington (Felicity) … pretty much any show from the WB pre-2006, Dr. Robert Chase (House), Clark Kent (Lois & Clark), Don Draper (Mad Men – and I say “boyfriend” here, not husband, I’d be his lady on the side, no doubt) and I almost forgot! BUT SAM FREAKING SEABORN FROM THE WEST WING. He’s the master.
Then we got to the point when we were a little older and old movies started being cool. Because now we got their appeal. And so,
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
He is amazing. We all know it. I’m going to leave it at that. Also, the black troupe of dancers doing the Michael Jackson thriller dance in the middle of Twist & Shout is pretty much the shit.
Other mentions: Randall “Pink” Floyd from Dazed & Confused, AJ, Mark and Lucas from Empire Records, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (because God knows that Andrew McCarthy was a shit in that movie), “Jake Fucking Ryan” (16 Candles, for Alexander).
I’ve so far (other than Little Women) refrained from talking literature boyfriends. But there is at least one that I have to mention for fear of being shot.
Pride & Prejudice
Whether he’s just on a page, played by Colin Firth (as in this clip), Matthew McFayden or that guy from Lost in Austen, Mr. Darcy is The One. We all of us wanted to be Lizzie Bennett and become misteress of Pemberly. He’s haughty and elitist, and rough and not particularly nice – but peel those layers and homeboy got game. Also, the official BBCWorld Youtube channel named the clip shown here “Pride & Prejudice: The Lake Scene (Colin Firth Strips Off)” which I found hilarious. I bet a 14 year old girl runs their youtube site.
Also see: Heathcliffe (Wuthering Heights), Levin (Anna Karenina), Michelangelo (The Agony & the Ecstacy), D’Artagnan (The Three Musketeers / Man in the Iron Mask), and a variety of other nerdy teenage boys in YA lit that we all totally love.
In recent years, there has been an even more abundant crop of imaginary boyfriends. I blame TEH INTERWEBZ. For example:
This whole day has turned into me trying to find an appropriate youtube clip, and then watching 30 minutes worth of clips just for fun. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Some some of you may hate Jim, because he can be smug and he’s the cute boy, and so on and so forth. But his pranks on Dwight and his complete infatuation with Pam make him a great, great imaginary boyfriend. Cuz girl, you know he’d treat you right. Damn.
Other current boyfriends: Marshall & Barney (from HIMYM), Chandler (Friends), JD or Turk (Scrubs, of course if you get one, you’re signing up for the other), Cappie (Greek, this is a case where I seriously need this character to be my boyfriend… not the actor, ever) J’s response to my “Sitcoms Boyfriends” query was: i’d live alone before a guy on seinfeld – so there’s that.
Queer As Folk
Many of you are unfamiliar with Brian Kinney, but rest assured he is the epitome of an imaginary boyfriend. A complete asshole, he treats everyone with disdain and is definitely misanthropic and cocky to a fault. However, he has a heart of gold and really will give up everything to make sure the people he loves are a-okay. Obviously, this is a win. Also, fair warning, there are boys kissing in the above clip. Oh right, he’s gay. That’s another thing he’s got going for and against him. Sigh. That’s a whole other level of inaccessibility. Whew.
Of course, that does open up a landfield of gay imaginary boyfriends. But that’s a whole other post, I think. One that I just haven’t got the energy for – my apologies, dear readers.
Well holy hell, I might be spent. I’m sure there were people left off, and avenues not trodden. But there’s always next time. And I know this shit was long, and I didn’t cut it – but it’s also a judgment call. Mine. Bazinga. If you did get this far in your reading –
Until next time, fronds. Check ya later.
EDIT: one of my lovely coworkers / readers was inspired to create this:
Keep ’em coming, kids!