Category Archives: Fun Times

The New Literary Literature

Or, how my roommate and I spent an hour talking about candy bars on Facebook, and within the conceit of Take 5, we covered every possible facet of humanity. Literature, music, war, fascism, hate, happiness, sex, Nazism… we cover it all. All under the guise of a hatred of Take 5. Or Take Five. Answer to whatever God you must.

I present to you… The Take Down of Take Five.  (It’s very long).

You haven’t gotten to the best parts yet. Like Stephen King and Pol Pot. Keep going. Have a Take 5.

Continue reading

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Fun Times, Life

CONFESSION: I am a Secret Shipper

I ship. There, I said it. I ship. If there is a YA novel, television show, movie, or comic book and there is romance involved, I will find a couple to love and follow with all my heart. For example:  Sasuke and Sakura kind of need to be together forever. For. Ever. I love fandom. I’m pretty sure it began with my fierce belief in Dawson and Joey’s Everlasting Love.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term ‘ship’ – Urban Dictionary defines it as “endors[ing] a romantic relationship.” I’ll just go ahead and add in the phrase “that is unrelated to you” at the end of that definition.

I have noticed, however, that YA novels of late have been taking advantage of this shipping trait by creating discord among the fans. The readers have to choose who they think makes the better match! The most visible, of course, is Twilight. Are you Team Jacob? Or Team Edward? (… or Team Edward&Jacob because Bella’s a blank slate of a character who doesn’t really represent anything but women-belong-in-the-kitchen-making-babies ideology?) There’s also the epically fantastic Hunger Games series which pits Peeta against Gale (Gale! Gale!… though I almost changed my mind when Mockingjay came out. The shippers, they are fickle on occasion).

That being said, I’m finding this to be a more troublesome trend in the YA market now. Triangles for the sake of bloody triangles. Dear everyone-writing-a-young-adult-novel, you do not need to have two love interests for your heroine. You don’t need kids to be pitted against kids in an epic battle of this-guy’s-better-for-her-than-your-guy just to get your book to sell. If it happens as a result of just having awesome characters, fine – but don’t deliberately create a situation in which you’re selling your own characters out. I’ve put down several YA novels in recent times because I can see that it’s empty-faced girl and two gorgeous guys, and o, Gods, how will she choose?! You know who didn’t do that? JK Rowling, bitches.

So, writers, balance the possible relationships. Balance. Make me love all the characters so much that I could never choose, but will still spend time talking about the character’s ultimate choice on the internet (… Vampire Diaries, I’m looking at you).

Related anecdote:  A few nights ago, a friend and I were watching Disney videos on Youtube (because we’re awesome), when I noticed an associated video, “Draco / Hermione Can You Feel the Love Tonight” – we both thought, what? Clicked.

You’re welcome:

THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, FRIENDS.

Turns out, anything can be shipped. I mean seriously. Anything.

(I’m sorry).

4 Comments

Filed under Fun Times

Adaptasaurus Rex! Raaaaar!

Last night, I went and saw Jane Eyre in one of the two theaters in which it is playing. (I picked the one that was less likely to have o-the-horror, or as they’re better known, bed bugs).

I should start off by saying, I am hugely, giantly, nerdily, grossly in love with Jane Eyre. It’s been my favorite book since I was fourteen. There’s something about this incredible story full of gothic mystery, love, betrayal, and passion happening to two fairly unremarkable people. I don’t think, however, that this makes my opinion on the film any harsher than it would have been if I was just a passing reader.

Alright, confession time over.

So as I said, I went to see the movie last night.

I knew something was wrong when the movie made me snicker. One should not snicker during Jane Eyre! It is not a snicker-worthy story! Some light laughter perhaps, at Jane and Rochester’s banter, a smile or two at her precociousness, even. But snicker?

The movie was just not. that. great.  They did an admirable job of keeping all the relevant plot points, and even giving Jane’s story some context (for first-timers) by opening with her fleeing Thornfield. I don’t have a single issue with their adapting the story to script. My issue is that they lost all the feeling. The Red Room or when we finally meet Rochester’s mad wife for the first time – all kind of left me saying, meh. And the loving words exchanged between Jane and Rochester? Laughable. I mean literally… we laughed at them.

It’s not like literary adaptions are impossible to get right! I mean, just look at the following:

Pride & Prejudice


I was staunchly against this movie when it came out in 2005. I have never been a huge Keira Knightly fan. (I think it’s the way you can always see her bottom teeth. So weird.) Also, how dare they think that anyone but Colin Firth could ever be Mr. Darcy! Eventually, I ended up on a 10 hour flight with a broken iPod, so I sucked it up and watched the only movie available on the flight: Pride & Prejudice.  I was genuinely surprised by how good it was. The acting, the script, the cinematography and the music came together and encapsulated what makes P&P such an enjoyable read.

The Importance of Being Earnest:

Again, I actually mean the newer version. Oscar Wilde has some misses on his repertoire – but the Importance of Being Earnest is not one of them. The play is brilliant and hilarious, and the movie carries it off really well.

Dangerous Liaisons / Cruel Intentions


This is a dangerous admission on my part. I think Cruel Intentions is a fairly good modern interpretation of Pierre Choderlos de Laclos’ Les Liaisons Dangereuses. As of three months ago, it was the only version of the book I’d seen in any format. Then I watched John Malcovich and Glenn Close tear it the eff up as the Vicomte and the Marquise. I mean, damn.

The list goes on: Lord of the Rings, Wuthering Heights (1939), Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz (arguably better than the book), pieces of the Harry Potter canon, Emma (2009)… IT CAN BE DONE.

So Jane Eyre, in it’s inability to honestly use what the author had provided, failed to be a successful adaptation. It had the right pieces, but lost itself in campy horror tricks, ridiculously stilted conversations, and period film cliches.

I guess you could call Jane Eyre a rental… but if you’re going to go to the movies, maybe you should think about seeing Rango instead. I hear that the animation’s, like, really good.

1 Comment

Filed under Fun Times

Missed Connections, in True Life

I’ve been terrible about Hurling Words, writing too much for corporate America to concentrate on my own thoughts. Damn if I am falling into a rat race trap here. (I should mention that my language may reflect the amount of Westerns I’ve been watching lately).

That being said, I had a Missed Connections experience recently, and I thought it would be an excellent way to return to your good graces if I shared it with all you kind people out there.

Let’s begin the story – Once upon a time…

It was a Saturday night in Williamsburg. It was a night of New York coincidence, warm bars, and loud music, but that’s not really what our tale’s about. This one starts at the end. Because, you see, I was on-my-way-home. Which meant walking arm in arm with just the loveliest ladyfriend a girl could have and being assaulted by foul subway graffiti.

The platform was full of leather and plaid and over-sized glasses for heroin-chic faces. And luck was on our side, we had no more than four minutes to wait for the train. Funny how a little liquid courage can make time just fly on by, like it’s late for a party. Headlights rounded the corner and the L train charged forward, the last car coming to a standstill in front of us.

Our poor spot of choice ended damn smack in the middle of two sets of doors. Commuters will recognize our subsequent position in front of the doors as the “Oh, sorry, let me – are you getting off? I’ll move – oh goodness, the door is – let me just -” and awkwardness aside, it is prime for accidental elbow jutting and toe treading.

We jawed and guffawed through a few stops, letting the train clear around us, eyeballing the other occupants, maybe eavesdropping on a topic or two – then clear across the other side of the car, who should I spot?

“Hey, turn around slowly, Willem Dafoe is on our train.” She craned in response,
“He looks just like him.” A little taller maybe, younger certainly, with a red bandana that spoke of Platoon. But that hair, those cheek bones.
“That could be his son!” My eyes continued to flick to him for the rest of the ride. The doors chimed open to our area of East-east-east-eastest-east-Williamsburg. I side eyed Willem to see his plan.

He stepped off the train and turned left.

We went right.

“He got off at our stop. HE-GOT-OFF-AT-OUR-STOP.”

I stumbled home and exchanged my layers for the comfort of pajamas. As I am a 21st century girl, I lay back on my pillows, laptop in hand and it came to me.

WWW(dot)craigslist(dot)org

I dragged the cursor to that anonymous hot spot of internet hot spots.

Willem Dafoe on the L Train – w4m 26

I think I saw you on the L train tonight, Willem Dafoe.

You might’ve just been a kid in a red bandanna.

But I’m pretty sure it was you, Willem Dafoe. Then you got off at my stop. Damn, Willem Dafoe, whatchu doin’ in Bushwick?!

Laptop safely tucked away, I fell into the heavy sleep of a Saturday night well spent.

As this was my first Missed Connection posting, I naively assumed that that was that.

The responses began to trickle in a day or two later. April wanted me to clarify if I truly was a woman seeking a man (she couldn’t know that it was so much more than that, could she?), and Dante needed to know the exact location of this supposed Willem Dafoe doppelganger – or maybe just where I lived. His message was brief, and so his motives suspect.

Then there was Kings, who just wanted my body to sing for him. Because, you see, he wanted to play me like an instrument. But I was not to be played.

Lastly, the elusive Patrick, who only emailed me to say: “I know who you are looking for.” But if he did know, he wasn’t talking.

Then, nothing. I joked about the experience at after work happy hours and cafeteria lunches, but as with most memories in the making, the immediacy of it all fell away. I forgot to even think of it.

Fast forward a year in the wild wild west of the internet. Or, in the real world, ten days later.

Sitting at a friend’s, waiting to start my french toast project, I idly hit the mail button on my phone as I am wont to do.

Connecting…

Connecting…

Checking mail…

Downloading 1 of 2…

Downloading 2 of 2…

At the top:

oedwotd subject “muggy, adj./2” – Word of the Day from the OED

But below that! Fate had intervened!

Jesse ****             subject hey it’s willem dafoe jr.

my friend in chicago came across your craigslist post — ha i get that all the time.  that’s so funny.  only time i’ve ever worn a red bandanna.  wasn’t i awesome in Platoon?

Could it really be him? I was raised during the height of web-paranoia. I knew better than to trust a stranger ON THE INTERNET.

So, I found him on Facebook.

Friends, readers, it was him. It was my L-Train Willem Dafoe. How did he find me? Why was his friend in Chicago searching through Brooklyn Missed Connections? Was Peter his friend?

I’ll never know the answers to these questions. I replied, exclamation points abound,

“Willem Dafoe, you just made my day!”

And that’s where I’ll leave it.

4 Comments

Filed under Fun Times, Things I Find Interesting

Words Are Awesome.

No seriously. If I were to throw my language back for a hot minute, I might say that words and I have a very serious love affair, darling. So when I read, sometimes (… let’s be honest, more often than not), I read for style versus story. Because even if (not saying that this is true), but even if there are a finite number of stories in the world, there are a kazillion ways to tell them. It all comes down to how you use words. And not to say the story doesn’t matter, because if your plot or characters are uninteresting, then I don’t give a whaaaat about what you have to say. Mostly because you’re boring. So I probably hate you.

ANYWAY… so, quotes. This is dedicated to some of my favorite favorite quotes, and a few from friends and family and random interneters (courtesy of ontd-p) as well of course. Because as the internet should be, my blog is a CONVERSATION. Y’all should take a listen and speak up. Ya heard?

Here we go. In no particular order, the following are some random favorites with spotty commentary here and there. For funsies.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams.

Of course, Douglas Adams Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has one of the best opening lines to any book ever. Adams speaks for all of us (well those of us who enjoy his humor any how). It is a particularly common sentiment, for example, when considering Fox News has more viewers than all the other news networks combined.

“Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.” – Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte.

(You guys see Laurence Olivier’s jawline, g’damn Heathcliffe – BaDOW).

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.” – Peter Pan

I adore Peter Pan, I really do. As the Disney Movie, as the live action movie, in Hook, and especially as the book. Of a time when it was okay for a children’s novel to be melancholy, Peter has one of the most simultaneously depressing and beautiful stories I’ve had the good fortune to read. With eight words, Barrie pretty much sums up our hero. It’s not about what’s happening, but rather, how interesting it is. How much fun Peter will have doing it. And death, well, you only get to play that game once. So it better be good, son.

“But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.” – 1984, George Orwell.

First of all, yes. That is me. I was born in 1984 and so it totally makes sense. Shut up. That being said, this quote gives me the chills. The book is terrifying and amazing and I can remember sitting down and reading it in one sitting when I was fourteen. The direct way that Winston spoke to us was at best unsettling, but if we’re being totes truthful, no double speak involved, the narrative just lent itself to a simple terror. Also, my least favorite class in high school was French class which was in room 101 for three years. Going to French class was like letting rats eat my face off.

“No matter how hard I try to be good I can never make such a success of it as those who are naturally good. It’s a good deal like geometry, I expect. But don’t you think the trying so hard ought to count for something?”- Anne of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery.

“You’re beautiful, but you’re empty…. No one could die for you.” – Le Petit Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery.

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” – Calvin & Hobbes, Bill Watterson.

Yes, yes, Calvin & Hobbes is a comic strip – but probably one of the most intelligent and witty strips ever written. It was a damn shame when Watterson retired (because commercialism fucked him over), but this one line has always stuck with me. Pretty sure I’ve ended more than one paper with it. (The accompanying image is remarkably apt as well.)

“He is at ease, his body sculpted to the music, his shoulder searching the other shoulder, his right toe knowing the left knee, the height, the depth, the form, the control, the twist of his wrist, the bend of his elbow, the tilt of his neck, notes digging into his arteries, and he is in the air now, forcing the legs up beyond muscular memory, one last press of the thighs, an elongation, a loosening of human contour, he goes higher, and is skyheld.” – Dancer, Colum McCann.

There is not enough to be said about the manner in which Colum McCann writes. It was hard to pick a quote from this passage, probably one of my favorite passages ever written. You can read the entire thing here. As my buddy All-Beef Pateenz can tell you, Colum McCann is easily one of the best voices in recent times, he uses words like colors and paints these incredible scenes for us. And it’s always more than just a picture, it becomes this living scene inside of you that you just feel down to your toes.

For fun, here is Nuruyev on The Muppet Show in 1977. With Miss Piggy in a Sauna and Dancing Swine Lake.

“You don’t have to stay anywhere forever.” The Sandman Series, Neil Gaiman.

Most of you know I kind of have to put this in there. But really, in the Kindly Ones when Lucifer says this to Delirium, it’s chilling. We know it’s the end, because nothing is forever. He especially knows this. … It’s kind of a weird video, I won’t lie to you. But hey, such is what happens when you google “lucifer morningstar” – he totes digs ambrosia.

“The Angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man.” Lamb: the Gospel According to Christ’s Childhood Pal, Biff, Chris Moore.

It was hard to pick a good quote from this book just because so much of it is tear-inducing hilarious. Also, when trying to find an image to associate with this quote, I found this: LOL JESUS. You’re welcome.

“Weep not, my love,
Weep not, my love,
Your heart is close to me.
You fucking bitch,
Ungrateful cunt,
Your heart is close to me.
Oh, do not fear,
I’m nearer than near,
Your heart is close to me.
I’ll gouge out your eyes
And pound in your fucking head,
You fucking bitch whore,
Your heart is close to me.” Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer.

Don’t get me wrong, I hated the movie. Hated it. But c’mon, look how darn cute Elijah is. I can’t hate him. What do you want me to be? A monster? Jesus Christ.

“But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of the rest, because Aunt Sally she’s going to adopt me and sivilize me, and I can’t stand it. I been there before.” Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain.

I chose this quote not just because Huckleberry Finn is a favorite character of mine (so much better than Tom Sawyer, let’s be real), but because of it’s association to Iain Sinclair and Marc Atkins. I read both Lights Out for the Territory and Liquid City as a senior in college for a seminar on Mr. Sinclair. He was (and still is) the most frustrating writer I’d ever experienced. Of course, at the time, I hated it. But, looking back I have to respect his use of language. He used words to trip up his readers, I remember one line in particular, in White Chapel, Scarlet Tracings – the character is cooking breakfast, and Sinclair ties in the cooking of the eggs to the character’s scapula. If I hadn’t lost the book long ago, I’d put that quote in there because it’s been in my head for four years.

… I’m rambling. My apologies. I love this quote, cliche as it may have become, it’s a beautiful way to phrase wanderlust.

So there you have it, just a few random smatterings of the many, many, many. I may (read as: will probably) do another one of these some time in the future with more words of style from other books or short stories.

Suggestions kiddos? I know how you all love to read and support my lifestyle.

5 Comments

Filed under Fun Times, Things I Find Interesting

This is Not a Publishing Rant

I swear. Kind of. Say the industry collapses on itself (because we are a self mutilating sort, aren’t we?) –

This is about other jobs we could do, if we hadn’t decided to work in a thankless job for no money creating things that people don’t care about anymore.

Maybe work hand to mouth across Europe, like I heard some kids did once. Get rid of that pesky thing called the written word, what else is there? One friend aptly put it as we’re “Screwed Either Way.” (Her caps, not mine). Either we work with what we love, or we don’t and probably end up hollow on the inside and all alone in our misery.

Happy Face!

See, it’s not so bad.

Ok. I took a break and came back and in that time, B&N revealed the Nook. And I want. O, Lord, how do I want. I want like the flowers want rain and we need air. O, to hold the nook betwixt my fingers… I’d die a happy girl.

Please go salivate over it now: Nook.

I am in a significantly better place. Here is why the Nook is awesome (for now, maybe things will come to light, who knows):

It’s called the Nook, like for books – instead of the Kindle which makes me think of Kindling, which makes me think AMAZON WANTS TO BURN BOOKS RAAR.
It is OPEN FORMAT: pdf friendly
It is not owned by Jeff Bezos
It has LendMe technology – WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS CAN BORROW A BOOK FROM ME FOR TWO WEEKS. THAT IS AMAZING.
It has free wifi in all B&N stores

And those are just highlights. Seriously. I want one of these for christmas. Hopefully this is going to revolutionize the e-reader industry because it’s making it more reader friendly. They are really, really marketing it towards readers. I would be curious to see what the New Yorker would have to say about this kid. The biggest deal is, I think, that it is open format. You can upload previously owned pdfs, B&N (while still a conglomerate) is not going to punish you for (O, GOD, WHY) owning books in an e-format already.

I still wholeheartedly believe that publishing’s future lies with independents, local book stores, small presses, and print on demand – this is a step in the right direction. Don’t try to make the device an anchor, that’s your problem Jeffie.

GIF HAPPY TIMEZ:

And then, all was well. Ish.

Cappie and Casey cannot be together.

4 Comments

Filed under Fun Times, Life, Things I Find Interesting

Imaginary Boyfriends

It’s funny how we all have these first and second and third (^n) loves. This is a post to glorify them. These beaus, these perfect men. Perfect men we’ll never know or really have. Because well, they don’t exist.

I’ve been discussing this with some friends, and it’s hilarious that the minute I ask “who were your imaginary boyfriends?” nobody was confused. It was generally followed by a half hour of OMG I looooooooved him when I was 12!! etc, etc. I don’t mean actors or musicians or whomever. Because, shoot. This is about the movie you saw when you were 13 and you knew you were going to love that boy forever. (debbiedowner) This is also the reason most of us will never truly be satisfied because what we’ve been tailored to want just isn’t in this world. (/debbiedowner) The list just kept growing with every conversation I had. I’m going keep it to a few key characters that were mentioned by more than a few people, but the rest will get an honorable mention below. Because g’damn. I would not take the dreaminess away from you.

Who’s excited for this list?!

I didn’t have a plan for the organization of this list, but I think I’m going to go with chronologically. That being said, let’s begin.

Casper
Casper

Ask any girl who got to see Casper when she was anywhere from 10 – 13. When Devon Sawa walked down those stairs to dance with Christina Ricci, aye dios. We were all so fucking jealz. Of course, then we saw Now & Then and were like okay, they need to be Together 4-Ever.

Laurie
Little Women

Not gonna lie, I didn’t even make it through this scene. Because we all know that a) Jo is a complete douchy moron for saying no to Teddy and b) it was absolutely mortifyingly unfair that bratty little sister Amy ends up with the Marchs’ boy-next-door. We all loved him in the book, and it didn’t hurt that Christian Bale brought him to life in the movie. Ugh, Amy. She gets my knickers in a twist, that’s for effing sure.

Other childhood book / movie favorites: Dicken (The Secret Garden), Huck Finn (Mark Twain’s character, Disney’s Tom & Huck and Huckleberry Finn, played by Brad Renfro and Elijah Wood, respectively).

Zack Morris
Saved by the Bell

So, in looking for this video, I ended up watching at least a half an hour’s worth of Saved by the Bell clips. Including Barbara Ann. Yeah, it’s still funny. But anyway, Zack Morris. How could we not love the guy who tried to sell Bayside High to the Japanese. Not to mention, he’s in a band. Friends Forever, right? So in trying to find a fun little quote about Zack and his penchant for mischief and scheming, I ended up reading his entire wikipedia page. Dude, this kid is money. I’d totes marry him.

Other teen sitcom loves: Eric Matthews & Sean Hunter from Boy Meets World, Uncle Jesse, and a host of TGIF favz

Now, let’s take a break and get animated. We can’t lie about it. Disney Movies, Anime, Comics. There are a shitton of places to find the impossible. Here we go,

Dimitri
Anastasia

Voiced by John Cusack, Dimitri was 1) named Dimitri (hai, good name) and 2) a swift talking con man. He also cleaned up quite nicely, in the most blatant copy of Jack Dawson ever**. He had that lovely floppy hair we all loved in 1998.

**There’s actually a video that exhibits this very idea of Anastasia being ridiculously similar to Titanic. Unfortunately, you have to sit through 2 minutes of the similarities between Cinderella and that Hilary Duff movie that had Cinderella in the title. … I would just fast forward.

Aladdin
Aladdin

He is the most noble street you will ever meet. His best friend is a monkey. He steals from the rich. And he has a giant blue genie. But hey, he doesn’t like to wear shirts – I mean, Agraba is broiling, son. I get it. He’d age better than SNL would have us believe.
Other Disney princes that should be mentioned: Eric (even though he’s not very smart), Charming (can’t hate on the original lover and fighter, can we ladies?)

Gambit
X-Men

Fangirls and fanboys alike geeked out over Remy LeBeau. When his name came up on Striker’s database of mutants in X2, we all freaked (for no reason it turned out, but still, we freaked). For some it was his completely BAMFness. For others, it was his saucy cajun accented dirty Anglais, kick ass kickassity, and his complete disregard of Wolverine’s authority. Which was awesome.

Oh, and the fact that he was in love with Rogue and it was totes adorbs. Didn’t hurt that he had that hair and that chin. He was dannnngerous, gurrl.

Honorable mentions: Dream, the emo king ❤

God this post is long. But, hey. Whatevz.

Let’s get back to the 3D, shall we?

Ah, the dramas. The king of imaginary boyfriends Drama-style is of course:

Dylan
90210 (the original)


Okay, first of all, this video is awesome. If your friend isn’t home and you left something in their house you do not break their window to get inside. Why-the-face, Brandon. Jeez.

Secondly, Dylan McKay is the original heart breaker. The bad boy, with that coifed hair. So what if Luke Perry looked 25 when he was supposed to be in high school. (James Van Der Beek looked 32, so it could have always been worse). And yes, he strung Brenda and Kelly along for years, being the phillandering asshole that he could be. But he was sensitive underneath. A real sensi.

Other first loves: Ephram (Everwood), Cute Dean / Jess (Gilmore Girls, I’m not linking to Jess because I hate him), Ben Covington (Felicity) … pretty much any show from the WB pre-2006, Dr. Robert Chase (House), Clark Kent (Lois & Clark), Don Draper (Mad Men – and I say “boyfriend” here, not husband, I’d be his lady on the side, no doubt) and I almost forgot! BUT SAM FREAKING SEABORN FROM THE WEST WING. He’s the master.

Then we got to the point when we were a little older and old movies started being cool. Because now we got their appeal. And so,

Ferris
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

He is amazing. We all know it. I’m going to leave it at that. Also, the black troupe of dancers doing the Michael Jackson thriller dance in the middle of Twist & Shout is pretty much the shit.

Other mentions: Randall “Pink” Floyd from Dazed & Confused, AJ, Mark and Lucas from Empire Records, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (because God knows that Andrew McCarthy was a shit in that movie), “Jake Fucking Ryan” (16 Candles, for Alexander).

I’ve so far (other than Little Women) refrained from talking literature boyfriends. But there is at least one that I have to mention for fear of being shot.

Mr. Darcy
Pride & Prejudice

Whether he’s just on a page, played by Colin Firth (as in this clip), Matthew McFayden or that guy from Lost in Austen, Mr. Darcy is The One. We all of us wanted to be Lizzie Bennett and become misteress of Pemberly. He’s haughty and elitist, and rough and not particularly nice – but peel those layers and homeboy got game. Also, the official BBCWorld Youtube channel named the clip shown here “Pride & Prejudice: The Lake Scene (Colin Firth Strips Off)” which I found hilarious. I bet a 14 year old girl runs their youtube site.

Also see: Heathcliffe (Wuthering Heights), Levin (Anna Karenina), Michelangelo (The Agony & the Ecstacy), D’Artagnan (The Three Musketeers / Man in the Iron Mask), and a variety of other nerdy teenage boys in YA lit that we all totally love.

In recent years, there has been an even more abundant crop of imaginary boyfriends. I blame TEH INTERWEBZ. For example:

Jim Halpert
The Office

This whole day has turned into me trying to find an appropriate youtube clip, and then watching 30 minutes worth of clips just for fun. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Some some of you may hate Jim, because he can be smug and he’s the cute boy, and so on and so forth. But his pranks on Dwight and his complete infatuation with Pam make him a great, great imaginary boyfriend. Cuz girl, you know he’d treat you right. Damn.

Other current boyfriends: Marshall & Barney (from HIMYM), Chandler (Friends), JD or Turk (Scrubs, of course if you get one, you’re signing up for the other), Cappie (Greek, this is a case where I seriously need this character to be my boyfriend… not the actor, ever) J’s response to my “Sitcoms Boyfriends” query was: i’d live alone before a guy on seinfeld – so there’s that.

Brian Kinney
Queer As Folk

Many of you are unfamiliar with Brian Kinney, but rest assured he is the epitome of an imaginary boyfriend. A complete asshole, he treats everyone with disdain and is definitely misanthropic and cocky to a fault. However, he has a heart of gold and really will give up everything to make sure the people he loves are a-okay. Obviously, this is a win. Also, fair warning, there are boys kissing in the above clip. Oh right, he’s gay. That’s another thing he’s got going for and against him. Sigh. That’s a whole other level of inaccessibility. Whew.

Of course, that does open up a landfield of gay imaginary boyfriends. But that’s a whole other post, I think. One that I just haven’t got the energy for – my apologies, dear readers.

Well holy hell, I might be spent. I’m sure there were people left off, and avenues not trodden. But there’s always next time. And I know this shit was long, and I didn’t cut it – but it’s also a judgment call. Mine. Bazinga. If you did get this far in your reading –

Until next time, fronds. Check ya later.

EDIT: one of my lovely coworkers / readers was inspired to create this:

Keep ’em coming, kids!

22 Comments

Filed under Fun Times, Life, Things I Find Interesting