Monthly Archives: October 2009

This is Not a Publishing Rant

I swear. Kind of. Say the industry collapses on itself (because we are a self mutilating sort, aren’t we?) –

This is about other jobs we could do, if we hadn’t decided to work in a thankless job for no money creating things that people don’t care about anymore.

Maybe work hand to mouth across Europe, like I heard some kids did once. Get rid of that pesky thing called the written word, what else is there? One friend aptly put it as we’re “Screwed Either Way.” (Her caps, not mine). Either we work with what we love, or we don’t and probably end up hollow on the inside and all alone in our misery.

Happy Face!

See, it’s not so bad.

Ok. I took a break and came back and in that time, B&N revealed the Nook. And I want. O, Lord, how do I want. I want like the flowers want rain and we need air. O, to hold the nook betwixt my fingers… I’d die a happy girl.

Please go salivate over it now: Nook.

I am in a significantly better place. Here is why the Nook is awesome (for now, maybe things will come to light, who knows):

It’s called the Nook, like for books – instead of the Kindle which makes me think of Kindling, which makes me think AMAZON WANTS TO BURN BOOKS RAAR.
It is OPEN FORMAT: pdf friendly
It is not owned by Jeff Bezos
It has LendMe technology – WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS CAN BORROW A BOOK FROM ME FOR TWO WEEKS. THAT IS AMAZING.
It has free wifi in all B&N stores

And those are just highlights. Seriously. I want one of these for christmas. Hopefully this is going to revolutionize the e-reader industry because it’s making it more reader friendly. They are really, really marketing it towards readers. I would be curious to see what the New Yorker would have to say about this kid. The biggest deal is, I think, that it is open format. You can upload previously owned pdfs, B&N (while still a conglomerate) is not going to punish you for (O, GOD, WHY) owning books in an e-format already.

I still wholeheartedly believe that publishing’s future lies with independents, local book stores, small presses, and print on demand – this is a step in the right direction. Don’t try to make the device an anchor, that’s your problem Jeffie.

GIF HAPPY TIMEZ:

And then, all was well. Ish.

Cappie and Casey cannot be together.

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Imaginary Boyfriends

It’s funny how we all have these first and second and third (^n) loves. This is a post to glorify them. These beaus, these perfect men. Perfect men we’ll never know or really have. Because well, they don’t exist.

I’ve been discussing this with some friends, and it’s hilarious that the minute I ask “who were your imaginary boyfriends?” nobody was confused. It was generally followed by a half hour of OMG I looooooooved him when I was 12!! etc, etc. I don’t mean actors or musicians or whomever. Because, shoot. This is about the movie you saw when you were 13 and you knew you were going to love that boy forever. (debbiedowner) This is also the reason most of us will never truly be satisfied because what we’ve been tailored to want just isn’t in this world. (/debbiedowner) The list just kept growing with every conversation I had. I’m going keep it to a few key characters that were mentioned by more than a few people, but the rest will get an honorable mention below. Because g’damn. I would not take the dreaminess away from you.

Who’s excited for this list?!

I didn’t have a plan for the organization of this list, but I think I’m going to go with chronologically. That being said, let’s begin.

Casper
Casper

Ask any girl who got to see Casper when she was anywhere from 10 – 13. When Devon Sawa walked down those stairs to dance with Christina Ricci, aye dios. We were all so fucking jealz. Of course, then we saw Now & Then and were like okay, they need to be Together 4-Ever.

Laurie
Little Women

Not gonna lie, I didn’t even make it through this scene. Because we all know that a) Jo is a complete douchy moron for saying no to Teddy and b) it was absolutely mortifyingly unfair that bratty little sister Amy ends up with the Marchs’ boy-next-door. We all loved him in the book, and it didn’t hurt that Christian Bale brought him to life in the movie. Ugh, Amy. She gets my knickers in a twist, that’s for effing sure.

Other childhood book / movie favorites: Dicken (The Secret Garden), Huck Finn (Mark Twain’s character, Disney’s Tom & Huck and Huckleberry Finn, played by Brad Renfro and Elijah Wood, respectively).

Zack Morris
Saved by the Bell

So, in looking for this video, I ended up watching at least a half an hour’s worth of Saved by the Bell clips. Including Barbara Ann. Yeah, it’s still funny. But anyway, Zack Morris. How could we not love the guy who tried to sell Bayside High to the Japanese. Not to mention, he’s in a band. Friends Forever, right? So in trying to find a fun little quote about Zack and his penchant for mischief and scheming, I ended up reading his entire wikipedia page. Dude, this kid is money. I’d totes marry him.

Other teen sitcom loves: Eric Matthews & Sean Hunter from Boy Meets World, Uncle Jesse, and a host of TGIF favz

Now, let’s take a break and get animated. We can’t lie about it. Disney Movies, Anime, Comics. There are a shitton of places to find the impossible. Here we go,

Dimitri
Anastasia

Voiced by John Cusack, Dimitri was 1) named Dimitri (hai, good name) and 2) a swift talking con man. He also cleaned up quite nicely, in the most blatant copy of Jack Dawson ever**. He had that lovely floppy hair we all loved in 1998.

**There’s actually a video that exhibits this very idea of Anastasia being ridiculously similar to Titanic. Unfortunately, you have to sit through 2 minutes of the similarities between Cinderella and that Hilary Duff movie that had Cinderella in the title. … I would just fast forward.

Aladdin
Aladdin

He is the most noble street you will ever meet. His best friend is a monkey. He steals from the rich. And he has a giant blue genie. But hey, he doesn’t like to wear shirts – I mean, Agraba is broiling, son. I get it. He’d age better than SNL would have us believe.
Other Disney princes that should be mentioned: Eric (even though he’s not very smart), Charming (can’t hate on the original lover and fighter, can we ladies?)

Gambit
X-Men

Fangirls and fanboys alike geeked out over Remy LeBeau. When his name came up on Striker’s database of mutants in X2, we all freaked (for no reason it turned out, but still, we freaked). For some it was his completely BAMFness. For others, it was his saucy cajun accented dirty Anglais, kick ass kickassity, and his complete disregard of Wolverine’s authority. Which was awesome.

Oh, and the fact that he was in love with Rogue and it was totes adorbs. Didn’t hurt that he had that hair and that chin. He was dannnngerous, gurrl.

Honorable mentions: Dream, the emo king ❤

God this post is long. But, hey. Whatevz.

Let’s get back to the 3D, shall we?

Ah, the dramas. The king of imaginary boyfriends Drama-style is of course:

Dylan
90210 (the original)


Okay, first of all, this video is awesome. If your friend isn’t home and you left something in their house you do not break their window to get inside. Why-the-face, Brandon. Jeez.

Secondly, Dylan McKay is the original heart breaker. The bad boy, with that coifed hair. So what if Luke Perry looked 25 when he was supposed to be in high school. (James Van Der Beek looked 32, so it could have always been worse). And yes, he strung Brenda and Kelly along for years, being the phillandering asshole that he could be. But he was sensitive underneath. A real sensi.

Other first loves: Ephram (Everwood), Cute Dean / Jess (Gilmore Girls, I’m not linking to Jess because I hate him), Ben Covington (Felicity) … pretty much any show from the WB pre-2006, Dr. Robert Chase (House), Clark Kent (Lois & Clark), Don Draper (Mad Men – and I say “boyfriend” here, not husband, I’d be his lady on the side, no doubt) and I almost forgot! BUT SAM FREAKING SEABORN FROM THE WEST WING. He’s the master.

Then we got to the point when we were a little older and old movies started being cool. Because now we got their appeal. And so,

Ferris
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

He is amazing. We all know it. I’m going to leave it at that. Also, the black troupe of dancers doing the Michael Jackson thriller dance in the middle of Twist & Shout is pretty much the shit.

Other mentions: Randall “Pink” Floyd from Dazed & Confused, AJ, Mark and Lucas from Empire Records, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (because God knows that Andrew McCarthy was a shit in that movie), “Jake Fucking Ryan” (16 Candles, for Alexander).

I’ve so far (other than Little Women) refrained from talking literature boyfriends. But there is at least one that I have to mention for fear of being shot.

Mr. Darcy
Pride & Prejudice

Whether he’s just on a page, played by Colin Firth (as in this clip), Matthew McFayden or that guy from Lost in Austen, Mr. Darcy is The One. We all of us wanted to be Lizzie Bennett and become misteress of Pemberly. He’s haughty and elitist, and rough and not particularly nice – but peel those layers and homeboy got game. Also, the official BBCWorld Youtube channel named the clip shown here “Pride & Prejudice: The Lake Scene (Colin Firth Strips Off)” which I found hilarious. I bet a 14 year old girl runs their youtube site.

Also see: Heathcliffe (Wuthering Heights), Levin (Anna Karenina), Michelangelo (The Agony & the Ecstacy), D’Artagnan (The Three Musketeers / Man in the Iron Mask), and a variety of other nerdy teenage boys in YA lit that we all totally love.

In recent years, there has been an even more abundant crop of imaginary boyfriends. I blame TEH INTERWEBZ. For example:

Jim Halpert
The Office

This whole day has turned into me trying to find an appropriate youtube clip, and then watching 30 minutes worth of clips just for fun. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Some some of you may hate Jim, because he can be smug and he’s the cute boy, and so on and so forth. But his pranks on Dwight and his complete infatuation with Pam make him a great, great imaginary boyfriend. Cuz girl, you know he’d treat you right. Damn.

Other current boyfriends: Marshall & Barney (from HIMYM), Chandler (Friends), JD or Turk (Scrubs, of course if you get one, you’re signing up for the other), Cappie (Greek, this is a case where I seriously need this character to be my boyfriend… not the actor, ever) J’s response to my “Sitcoms Boyfriends” query was: i’d live alone before a guy on seinfeld – so there’s that.

Brian Kinney
Queer As Folk

Many of you are unfamiliar with Brian Kinney, but rest assured he is the epitome of an imaginary boyfriend. A complete asshole, he treats everyone with disdain and is definitely misanthropic and cocky to a fault. However, he has a heart of gold and really will give up everything to make sure the people he loves are a-okay. Obviously, this is a win. Also, fair warning, there are boys kissing in the above clip. Oh right, he’s gay. That’s another thing he’s got going for and against him. Sigh. That’s a whole other level of inaccessibility. Whew.

Of course, that does open up a landfield of gay imaginary boyfriends. But that’s a whole other post, I think. One that I just haven’t got the energy for – my apologies, dear readers.

Well holy hell, I might be spent. I’m sure there were people left off, and avenues not trodden. But there’s always next time. And I know this shit was long, and I didn’t cut it – but it’s also a judgment call. Mine. Bazinga. If you did get this far in your reading –

Until next time, fronds. Check ya later.

EDIT: one of my lovely coworkers / readers was inspired to create this:

Keep ’em coming, kids!

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People don’t understand the interwebz

In which I discuss how the internet is “liek blowin’ pplz minds omg.”

Everything in my world right now is telling me that people don’t know how to use the internet. And by people I mean companies. And by companies, I mean the publishing industry.

First we’re scared of it. Oh god, no, we couldn’t get on the (hushed whisper) internet. It will eat books aliiiive! Then we’d be all:

Then the weather changed. Days grew long, then short, then long, and then short (x infinity). Time went on. People got old (but certainly did not retire). Some of them died, I’m sure. May they RIP. But ideas did. not. change.

Mostly because we fear change like the Birthers fear intelligence and Obama. In a crazy, crazy frantic kind of way. Just imagine that the Birthers:Obama::Publishing:Internet!

Who woulda  thunk it.

So fastforward, skipping a few steps because while kinda important, they can’t really compare to this guy (as much as I want them to. sigh):

i ... edited this photo a little.

ohai Jeff Bezos. He brought us [the Almighty, All Powerful] Amazon. Which was great for us lazy, Amuhricans. (I jest, I loved it at first site as well). GEDDIT? ho, ho, ho. Anyhow, so Jeffy brought us Amazon. Those of us who could read, well… those of us who chose to read (we, the minority) could find a shit ton of books and have it come to OUR HOUSE. omg. it was like ebay. but better. I bought all my GRE books on Amazon, what. It was cheap, it was convenient. And you know what, who cares about brick & mortor stores anyway? I mean, really. (o hay thar key stroke!) I mean, the only people who hung out at Barnes & Noble were scraggly emo kids who wanted Starbucks and dirty photobooks. Or music theory. Whatever.

And then the Kindle. This is where the Orwellian Mr. Bezos (we weren’t friends anymore) stepped on the wrong game. We readers generally don’t have a problem with e-readers. I don’t mind the Sony Reader, for example. But shoot, this isn’t supposed to turn into an evisceration of B-dawg. No, no. Nothin’ but … a vehement dislike on my end. Just some fist shaking, etc. (if you do want further info on why he scares me and my love of literary difference within our world, take a hard read here.)

It’s more that, when this happened. Perhaps we should have figured out, hey, maybe we should work with this new thing called: Teh Int-er-net?

… Of course not. We were still pretty much:

But instead of crawling slowly back into the dark, we figured a better idea would be to LETS  OMG GUYS WE HAVE TO GET ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB RIGHT NOW DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE HAVE TO BE ON EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW?!… Which is fine, okay, whatever. But this is done without any real understanding the medium that we all decided was perfect. Social networking. AKA social media. (“It has Media in its title, obviously we’re supposed to use it. Duh.”)

Welcome to Publishing: Facebook groups, Twitter accounts, blogs, et cetera et cetera et cetera. So quoth the king. (of And I fame). Oh, and let’s not forget how journalism has devolved into blogging. In print. Which I whole heartedly feel is hurting them even more than the internet is. They’re just pansies.

It’s nauseating. So, now people are harping on how print is dead and that the world is changing and so on and so forth. There will be changes, yes. The internet is not, however, our savior. It’s too unbridled, too big, and too intangible to completely fix everything that is wrong with this business. I say, PRINT WILL HAVE IT’S REVENGE. MWHA HA HA HA HA. (/evil laughter)

Wow, got a little serious for a hot minute over here.

(I’ll fix that): It keeping with this post, it’s funny and sad at the same time. Not that I think I’m that funny. Obviously. Shoot. I just ruined this blog by being an asshole, didn’t I?

I was going to end it right there, but WordPress just told me that there were six hundred and sixty-six words in the post. I both don’t like the thought of it because why tempt fate and I don’t need any more reasons for my friends (The Christians) to think I’m a crazy heathen who thwarts God’s will by existing. And tempting fate.

Uh, yeah. Awkward. Peace, guys.

And a video because I know you guys like things that are flashy:

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i think i’m falling apart

like, literally.

Before I begin, it should be noted that there will be pictures / videos in this post not pertaining to the subject at hand. I just know how much you kids like pictures and videos.

look how creepily alike Zac Efron is to Death Notes Serial Killer Light. WEIRD.

look how creepily alike Zac Efron is to Death Note's Serial Killer Light. WEIRD.

i think my foot is going to fall off at the ankle. my right ankle’s been hurting for the past few days – but not in a sprained kind of a way. in a, i’m fine walking on it for a few minutes, and then the shooting pain starts.

i’m less of a panic!doctor kind of person and more of a “let’s sleep on it and see if it goes away” kinda gal. of course, this is why i spent four days in bed w/ bronchitis in June, wondering why oh WHY wasn’t the nyquil and the mucinex and the orange juice making the cold just die. (… because it wasn’t a cold. geddit?).  Any how, having not sufficiently learned my lesson, I keep sleeping on it – well not on it per say, that would be counter productive – you know what I mean – expecting it to get better.

Oh GQMFs, yer awesome. Next time: Lord Byron. Srsly.

Oh GQMFs, yer awesome. Next time: Lord Byron. Srsly.

I’m starting think I should change my name to one of the following:

a) Quasimoto
b) Tiny Tim
c) Crutchy

So, that’s my right foot story – capiche?

This morning, my company sent out a “Free Flu Shot” internal memo alerting that we, the employees, were welcome to parttake in free chemicals being shoved into our arms by way of a tiny, tiny needle. I ask you, how could I resist?


this hamster is insane and i wish i could move that fast in real life. instead of in my dreams. of being the flash.

What I’d forgotten, is that flu shots make your arm hurt all day. So my left arm is killing me. And my right foot is kind of useless. I may as well have phantom limbs. … Except that I’m typing with my left hand, so that’s not entirely true.

Maybe this whole post was a lie. How about that? I’m an unreliable narrator. Ever think of that? Hmmm?

and we’re out. I’m droppin’ the mic’, yall.

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